The Nourishing Nature of Confidence
Feb 29, 2024 09:00AM ● By Deb Beroset
While on a second date, there was obvious mutual liking happening, and the two of us slipped into a bit of a meta mode—sitting there over brunch talking about the nature of dating, attraction, reality, that sort of thing. He mentioned an NPR story he’d heard recently about the top three things people look for in a significant other.
Beyond that, though, I was most curious to know more about this little tidbit of human behavior. What do we, collectively, seek in a mate? What is considered most essential by the human animal when it comes to this most intimate relationship?
Anyway, while my date did a pretty good job of recalling the findings, he followed up later with a text to give me the full picture: “So, it’s the teeth (by which we quickly assess somebody’s level of health). The grammar and ability to communicate (through which we quickly determine one’s educational background). And self-confidence (as seen through the depth of a conversation and how someone carries herself with and around others).”
Ah, I thought. So, you could say we are, as a species, looking for three basic things in a significant other:
How HEALTHY is this one?
Is this one a habitual LEARNER?
What’s their VIBE?
When confidence is present, it’s most definitely a vibe. There’s a certain energy present that could be said to be grounded more in love than fear. Where does this come from?
After deep conversations with hundreds of women, it’s crystal clear to me confidence is not correlated to our age, accomplishments, looks or bank accounts. There are insecure, fearful women with lots of money. Beautiful women who exude apologetic energy. Brilliant women who defer to others as a rule and withhold their ideas. (What has been the cost to the world, I wonder, of having countless ideas denied the sunlight to grow and blossom because of a lack of confidence?)
Think about that for a minute.
What if we gave a little love and compassion to all our abilities and qualities—all the things we are and are not? What if the things about ourselves that we’ve historically not liked became things we brought new compassion to? What if we were able to grow some new love for all the quirky, weird, sometimes challenging bits of us, and every one of us developed the ability to hold our whole self in a big, generous heart hug of acceptance?
My big lightbulb moment came, however, as I scrolled further down the dictionary page, where I learned the origin of confidence is the Latin verb fidere, which means “to trust”.
Trust? Confidence is rooted in trust? Not until this day have I consciously connected confidence with trust, but it makes so, so much sense. The origin of the word “confidence” is trust—and the origin of our own confidence is our ability to trust ourselves and life.
You don’t trust simply based on evidence. There’s an element of trust that brings together intuition, faith and the willingness to embrace a certain amount of risk.
It’s what has you willing to submit a TEDx talk audition video, because you believe in what you have to say, and you also know that if you’re not accepted this time, you will be fine and keep going for things, because that’s who you are.
Confidence shows up in quieter ways, as well. Such as when you trust yourself—and others—enough to have a brave, vulnerable conversation that takes your friendship or partnership to a new level.
You trust your spirit, your resilience and that you have something to offer even if this particular effort or version doesn’t pan out. It has you willing to go for your dreams, because you know you won’t die if things don’t turn out as you hoped.
God knows I’ve had marriages, projects and circumstances that didn’t turn out as I hoped. I have failed at things. But I do know myself as someone who will be okay regardless, and today more than ever, I am grateful and honoring of that as something of great value.
Consciously developing self-confidence is one of the most nourishing things we can do, because it gives us the ability to shape our lives and freely create. Ask for what you want. Be vulnerable. Share what’s in your heart. There’s always a bit more you-ness waiting and eager to come out and play, and it needs you to know it’ll be just fine when it does.
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